Good morning.
I wrote this newsletter at 11 p.m. and I figured since I’m kind of drunk, I should write about the election and who I voted for.
This past Tuesday, I stood in line for close to an hour in the crisp, November air and endured the mindless chatter of suburban mothers who were all “surprised” to see one another. They all live in the same area and their kids most likely go to the same public school district. Them seeing each other in the same voting line is as surprising as their kids’ addiction to Adderall.
Once I finally got into the building, I plopped myself down at a table with INVINCIBLE VOTING SHIELDS:
I got to the table.
And wrote in my candidate for president.
MARC BULGER.
The rise of Marc
He was with the Rams for a combined eight years, but the peak of the Bulger-era was just two years.
While drafted by New Orleans in 1999, Bulger didn’t find his way to an active roster until 2002 The Rams were struggling. Their starter (Kurt Warner) and back-up (Jamie Martin) went down midway through the year.
Enter Bulger.
The former West Virginia product had a Jimmy G-like debut winning six of seven games he played in (he was injured early in the seventh game). His performance earned him consideration for the No. 2 spot the following year.
Again, Warner went down with an injury in 2003 which opened the door to Bulger. The back-up led the Rams to a 12-4 record this time before losing to Carolina in 2OT.
The Rams awarded Bulger with a contract and made him the No. 1 QB. Again, the Rams made the playoffs — barely. Bulger led the Rams to a Wild Card upset of Seattle before losing to Atlanta the following week.
Limelight extinguished
Performance-wise, Marc Bulger endured a lot of pain following the 2004 season. Financially, however, he was having great success (2007 saw him sign a 6yr-$62.5 million contract with $27 million guaranteed).
Injuries, especially in his shoulder, plagued him and forced him to miss chunks of the season. The mismanaged coaching staffs at the time weren’t doing him any favors, either. The Rams’ weapons, despite how talented they were, had no impact thanks to the vanilla offenses and under-performing defenses. The Rams were on the very slow decline to the bottom, and there was nothing Bulger could do about it while he was on the field, try as he may.
The 2008 and 2009 seasons were the final and most painful of the Bulger-era. He was replaced, reinstated, and replaced multiple times by Jim Haslett in 2008. He watched many games from the sideline during the 2009 season thanks to injury.
And just as quietly as he appeared, Bulger disappeared and signed with Baltimore.
I would die for Marc Bulger
He’s the only person I felt wouldn’t overpromise or underdeliver, nor would he make excuses. He doesn’t demand attention. He just wants everyone to win.
Marc Bulger’s story, in my opinion, is both impressive and tragic. He took the reigns of a struggling offense as a practice squad player and managed to keep the wheels turning in his first shot. Then he led the team to a first-round bye in his second season. In his third season, he made the playoffs (again) despite going 8-8 and beat a heavily favored Seahawks team in Seattle.
If supplied with the right tools, Bulger can do great work. Despite taking over for a legend like Kurt Warner and reaching 1,000 completions in a shorter amount of time than Warner, Peyton Manning, and Drew Bledsoe, Bulger never demanded praise or attention.
He lived to serve his team, through good times and bad. And when the bad times came, he did what he could with what he had.
Pretend arguments with you
“You wasted your vote, Tim.”
False. Not voting would have been a waste of my vote. There’s a write-in line for a reason.
“You voting for a write-in candidate is just a vote for (input Republican or Democrat here).”
False. My vote is a vote for Marc Bulger.
“Marc Bulger wasn’t even that good.”
Wrong. See this counterpoint.
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Absurd Groomsmen Gift of the Week
I’m getting married next month. In the search to find my groomsmen a gift (for just standing there for an hour and consuming free food and alcohol), I’ve encountered some wacky stuff. So, for the next few weeks, I will share some of my weirdest finds.
This week’s gift: The Ox Horn
“DRINK FROM A GENUINE OX HORN”
Good Lord, man, tone it down a bit.
“We only select the finest livestock to provide our drinking horns. Even then, eight out of ten horns do not pass our rigorous quality inspections. Norse Tradesman leaves no stone unturned.”
So, throw out 80% of the horns they harvest. Where the hell are these discarded horns going?
This gift is perfect if your groomsmen all manage a GameStop, LARP, or look like this guy. Anyone who desires to drink from an Ox horn prefers the forearm shake over the handshake and drives a 2004 Dodge Neon SRT.
They say things like, “Here, here” when agreeing with someone and unironically support Gary Johnson.